By: PQ Alumni Student
I didn’t realize how much of my life I was hiding from, and how much I didn’t know about myself, until the three months I spent at Pacific Quest. Prior to going to PQ in February, I was in a severe depression. I hated every minute and everything about myself. It was a time that I don’t wish upon anyone. I hid behind alcohol, sex and shopping, anything that would avoid the idea of feelings, and moving past my pain. I was filled with anger, and major giddiness because the emotions were almost non-existent. I wanted nothing to do with the way I felt, and the fact that I was drowning slowly, falling into pieces I would not be able to pick up myself. I pushed away friends, family, anyone who cared for me, and I refused to see therapists or take my medication regularly. After a very dark few months and three days in a psych ward, I realized how much I needed help.
Alumni student working in the garden
When I first came to PQ, I fought it, not interested in anything, but as time went on and I learned more about myself I began to love it there. There was no doubt that the program was not easy, but the things I learned and overcame at Pacific Quest, I am convinced saved my life. I found out at PQ, I have major childhood traumas, anxiety issues and my medications were wrong. My therapist and the PQ guides helped me regain confidence, realize how incredible I can be, learn to channel my anger, my impulsivity, and cope without addictions taking over. They helped me get on the right medication track, and work out many great things with my family. I have never cried, laughed, yelled, struggled and enjoyed myself so much in my life. It was so worth it.
Leaving PQ was tough, it was like leaving a world of comfort, new strategies, a healthy living style and having to realize that the real world is tough. I don’t want to go back to where I was, so I have to choose to move forward. I graduated from PQ into a transition program. I fought it for some time, but after about 2 months, I pulled it together. I began to remember all that I learned in Hawaii, and how capable I am. I regained motivation, and the capability to function.
I am now in college, doing excellent, enjoying it and getting the services I need to succeed. I am also working part time in the restaurant industry. I have been making friends and I’m not pushing anyone away, and even with my family things have improved. As for my anxiety, I used to get panic attacks to the point where I could not breathe; it felt like I was having a heart attack, with my body spasming. I could not control it, or understand it, and I was very scared. Since I graduated PQ in the end of May, I have only had a total of 3 anxiety attacks that I could not control. I now know great deep breathing techniques and body exercises to limit my anxiety to get any farther. I had one therapist tell me “we fear the fear of anxiety” and that has stuck with me forever. I can now tell my triggers, and when I am getting anxiety.
I feel like a whole new person. My ability to love myself with no one else and to accept the help that I need and want to do well is something I never felt before. I’m now at a place where I have taken control of my life, and I could not be happier. I’m convinced Pacific Quest saved my life, and helped me understand how amazing it is to be on this earth and how lucky I am to have gone to a place like that, and be able to grow from it. It is and will always be a memorable experience I will never forget and will forever be grateful for.